The game of life

Welcome to the game of life, the most ancient, sacred and well played game. It is game that begun before you were born, and will continue long after you leave this mortal body. The game, like all games, has rules, and regulations. The game of life begins, when you realise your goal, your True goal that your heart’s desire. If you haven’t realized the goal, do not worry, as the game will help you realise this, as long as you keep an open mind and gain the ability to look beyond the senses.

The game truly begins, and doesn’t end in this timeline. It is beyond space and time, but not to worry; it does have some cheat-codes and clues, to ease your path. There are many other small, minute goals that you may focus on in this game for the time-being but however do not confuse that with the true goal. The true goal of the game, or as we say the Final check-point will only be revealed as you move on with the game. Once you have realised the true goal, the game may seem to look easy but it in fact will be harder, as you will face more challenges and increase your level of endurance, and strength.

The key to win this game is to always have your eyes on the goal. There will be many challenges, many distractions and devils and monsters that will try to harm and confuse you. Further explanation on this will be provided to help you combat these beings and to help you devise a plan to achieve your goal.

Close your eyes, and shut your senses. Listen to the voice of your heart and it will tell you what your goal is.

Once you know your true goal, the game truly begins.

Why is it that we do what we do? What I am referring to is the fact that we segregate people according to our likes and dislikes. Why do we categorize people into "us" and "them". Why is it always that "us", meaning "We" are the better ones, we are smarter, we are good and we give all these labels to ourselves, just because we are different from "them".

Oh it doesn't seem to matter, if "they" are smarter, and records are there to prove it, but we shun them and say, "oh he did well in his studies because he cheated, or things like some other higher authority would have pulled some strings". Why is it that we can't accept our defeat, why are we such sore losers that we blame everyone on earth for failures except to look within, to gain the insight and see that maybe, just maybe the problem lies here, within us.

Why do we judge, especially when someone is different from us? We ridicule them, we call them names, just because they do not follow the norms of the society. The norms that "we" created for everyone to follow. When someone defies, when he voices out things that we are afraid to say, what do we do? We laugh at him, we again ridicule and shun him. Just because, he is now not like us anymore. He is different, and hence he is not normal.

Norms, normal, abnormal, how can we ever separate people into categories when all of us are somewhat abnormal. We are all different aren't we, and every community and society is different. We all have our quirks and differences, but it saddens me to say that we rather disregard our differences and our uniqueness, just to fit the bill, to fit what the community and society call norm, basically to be just like "them". Year after year, decades after decades, so many things change, yet we hold on the notion that when someone is different, if he behaves differently, if he says something we wouldn't voice-out, if he likes things that we deem weird, we call him abnormal.

Whatever happened to individual rights, and freedom of being who you really are. If we really needed to conform to what the society expects of us, don't you think we would all be created exactly the same? Why did He take extra time to make each one of us different? And yet, in our ignorance, we subject ourselves to this mental torture, we keep our ideas on hold, afraid what would others think of us, we hide our true identity afraid people will shun and ridicule us, and slowly, we begin to lose our true self, our uniqueness, our individuality, just because we got to be the sheep, and just like what my friend Vijay often says, we form the herd mentality, we wait for orders, we are afraid to move beyond our comfort zone, and yet we ridicule those who do.

With this note, let us reflect on M.J. Just how many of us ridiculed him, just because he was different, because he wanted to look different? How many of us believed the stories of him being a pedophile and we developed a distaste for him, though his music speaks beyond nations and colour? It was so easy to disregard a person, to believe the worst in them and pretend, that we are higher, mightier, better. Maybe with this, perhaps it is time for us to stop and change. Lets stop laughing at someone just because he/she is fashion-challenged, lets not laugh at the slow kid in class, lets not bully those who can't conform, lets not make fun of those we deem crazy and mental, but rather let us be who we are, and let others be who they want to be. Lets love and accept, for only through that we shine, and we grow, collectively beautiful, inside and out.

Rest in Peace M.J.

I have been reading a lot, and at times it seems that no matter how ever much you read, there are somethings that are beyond the understanding of the limited capacity of human intellect. So what do you do then? Ignore the questions that keep pounding and pouncing on you when you try your level best to ignore them? Or do you continue reading, hoping that your limited mind, expands and you learn to see things beyond this physical world, that is actually superimposed on the infinite world. Well that is what Swami Rama said in "Living with the Himalayan Master".

Reading that book at night and the alchemist by Paolo Coelho in the day time, had me thinking. Our true reason of being here. Both authors are renowned writers, one a renunciate and the other a novellist who delights in the smallest magical wonder of this finite world. Paolo talks about Personal Legend, and I started wondering what is my personal legend. Personal legend according to paolo is something that you truly desire to accomplish here on earth and everyone has that, but it so happens that life often throws you carelessly like a wave on rocks, and you end up throwing your personal legend away. He also says that as children you would know what is your personal legend but you slowly start forgetting it or assuming that you do not reserve to go after it since so many people meet failure when they try.

So what is my personal legend? I am not entirely sure. I remembered when I was 8, I started wondering why are we here? And now that I am 24, I know what I want to gain from being here, I know what is the purpose of being here, but I still do not know why we are even here in the 1st place. The reason for creation. And maybe, just maybe my personal legend would be to find out the answer to this. It may take my whole entire life, but pursuits of such, to find your personal legend is indeed timeless, and as Paolo Coelho continues to say in the story, the King adviced the boy to continue finding his Personal legend and to continue the journey until he finds what he wants to find. In the process he is to remember that Everything is one and the same, and also that the boy should listen and follow the Omens.

It is not as absurd as it may sound. All of us do indeed have that one thing, one reason for living, that maybe hidden deep inside our mind and consciousness. We may think it is not practical to do what our hearts desire, things may not go well and such. And so we ignore this personal need, be it to travel to the furthest corner of the world, to climb the highest mountain, to find your heart's true love or anything at all. We continue living, pretending that we did ourselves a big favour by not going for our dreams, that we saved ourselves from pain and failure that we might face if we had gone on reaching our dreams.

So with regards to my Personal Legend, I don't even know what exactly it is. Is it answering these questions that keep bubbling inside of me or is it some other things that I have successfully hidden in the depth of being? All I know is I would like to travel, to all corners of the worls, learn the language of the unspoken, learn from the elements and just Be :)Perhaps That is my Personal Legend.

The room was dark. It was humid and she felt as if it was closing in on her. Bumps and weird formation had started appearing on the walls, making it seem as if it was swollen, with perhaps some unidentified disease. She was freaking out. There was nothing here for her, not right now, not with the condition of her home like this. She loved it, more than anything, and there was only one occasion where she had left home before. And even that was a long time ago, she barely remembered the details.

And so she packed, and she left. It had been more than 24 hours, and no one knew where she had gone to. There's faint hope she might be coming back.

Ask me, I should know but I don't. She is gone. And I pray she returns, soon. I cant work without her.

Oh damn..


My voice took a drive to the oblivion and hasn't returned. I am doomed.. :(

3rd June 2009

I sat popping my antibiotics and meds and I realised how much I missed Parthi. I was there last year December, and though 6 months isn't that long, it feels decades ago. Last years' trip truly shook me up, gave me a new perspective on life, on spirituality on everything.

I am a point where I am questioning everything, perhaps not so much now, as it was before. I wondered on the reality of our being, on us, on religion and everything. An uncle we met there in Parthi told us that he believes that religion is just a stepping stone to God. You should be born in a religion but you should never die in the same religion. At that point of time, I didn't understand what he meant. I thought he just didn't grasp the whole meaning of religion, and plus if it wasn't that important, why do we have all these temples and even lessons on our religion in Balvikas.

But in the last 6 months, I grew. I went from doubting swami (yes I did, I won't deny this), to understand that we and Him are one, but as it goes, understanding a fact is not the same as realizing it. I realised that religion is indeed a stepping stone to realization. Every religion basically guides you to reach God. Not a god that lies in the seventh dimension of heaven, or a god that punishes you when you have wronged him, Not a god that has 10 arms that each holds a weapon to slay you but the god that is within you. To realise that in the end, this world that we hold so close to ourselves, where we feed of the triumphs and failures of the materialistic world, it doesn't even exist. And that meaning, you and him are one and the same.

It doesn't mean that religion has no significance or value. It does. You need religion to understand God and to understand the inner significances of all the rituals and prayers. But doesn't all religion proclaim that man and god are one? Religions may be flawed, yes but it must be there for a higher purpose. So, if man has indeed realised that god and him are one, and that everyone else on the planet also equivalent of the same Divine Love, do we still need to segregate and separate ourselves on the name of religion?

If you are a Hindu, or Buddhist, then you would believe in the Theory of Reincarnation. It says that man will be reborn again and again till he learns to break free from this cycle of samsara or pain and misery. What is it that binds us to this cycle of rebirth? Is it our attachments to everyday things, and people? Could our attachment to our religion also be a cause of our samsara? We are so blinded by rituals, perfoming pujas when we do not know the meaning, to cleanse our houses to ward off evil spirits when our hearts are not cleansed.


I think, we should seek to follow the inner significance of the teachings of the religion instead of blindly following and fighting with other races just to prove that we are higher, or flaunt that we are the oldest religion in the world. There has to be a reason why the religion lasted for as long as did. I am not saying doing prayers and pujas are wrong. But I think before you jump into doing something just because someone is doing it, or because someone told you to, it makes sense to try to reason what is it to you. Prayers help you to think of god, constant Intergrated awareness, as we call it. And when you are aware of god, being with you at all times, your mind ceases to jump around but rather you gain control over life, over your senses and your consciousness is sharpened.

It seems absurd and child-like when men fight among themselves, trying to convince themselves that their own religion is better than another. One who is a Hindu extremist now could very well be born as a Muslim in his next life. Then what, is he going to fight for Hinduism? Definately no. Religion exist as long as man separates himself from God. God isn't the bronze statue you have in your altar, he isn't just the voice that speaks from heaven. Look around you and then you will see that everything that exist in front you is GOD. In terms of physics, it can be said that every atom and molecule that vibrates with the kynetic energy is God.

But realising all these doesn't guarantee you that the reality cease to exist and you merge back into the oblivion, into Him. We are somewhat bound by our Karmas, and truth be told, it is easy to see that swami is in you, but the trouble begins when you have to start seeing Him in everyone else. In the waiter who serves you in the Mamak, in your boss who makes your life a living hell, in the people who irk and irritate you. It is not easy. We have to let go of all the attachments we have in regards to our expectations on how people should act, and how we should be treated. Maybe then realising that God is the same in one and all would be a little easier.

That said and done, I miss Parthi. I miss the warmth of the sun, (in December mind you, not in April to June :)), I miss the coconut stall, the warm, and friendly ladies in the North Indian Canteen, the ever smiling ladies of the Western Canteen, I miss the satsangs we were having last December, I miss waking up early and sitting in anticipation waiting for swami to come, and most of all, I miss the peace and tranquility, where being good was the norm, and mind you you don't even have a single bad thought about anyone because it is swami's abode. But here, it seems so difficult, so tough, to spare that extra time to pray and meditate in the morning, to refrain from talking bout others though they harm you. Haihh.. Swami.. Help..

Wish list for May 2009 to May 2010

- time, and more time
- fun and more fun
- a life!!

Ever since I started this course, I barely had time to do anything, no holidays, no empty fun weekends to do anything. No time!! And no matter how much I try to manage time, at this point of time, I really do not have the luxury of managing them.
I'm working now, doing my practicals where I see patients, trying my (our) level best to help everyone that come knocking at the clinic's door. It is tough but I love it. It is sometimes overwhelming because you do not know what exactly to do to help them solve whatever problems they have. Sometimes I think it is easier doing engineering or medicine, just because when you tell them you are an engineer, people don't stop and look at you and ask " SO what exactly do you do? Talk and advice people? Geez that must be so easy!".

It is infuriating, when people, majority of them have no idea what is it that you do. And some have the knack of telling right to your face that doing practicals isn't the real thing, you are doing a real job! What defines a real job? When you get paid? So whether or not I am helping people, changing someones life matters not?
And then just cause I am working part-time as a research assistant during the days I do not see clients, even that is seen as something easy, relaxing since all I am doing is helping someone do their research!

I think people need to stop judging how hardworking or how much a person earns and instead evaluate how good he or she is and how much has that individual helped people around him/her and made the society a better place to be in. Why do we need to judge others, and label people all sorts of names just to make ourselves feel better, a little higher??

That said and done, I am absolutely busy and I will try to continue the story bout the man and the box asap..:)

This post is directed and dedicated to some certain people in my life. "Ehem Ehem** Cough Cough** It is also meant to be "simple", there is no need for dictionaries here.. ** Cough Cough**


The pole and the pizza..
The name describes it all, One is a pole, and the other claims he is Italian, and hence the Pizza. They are as different as black and white, Yin and yang, but somehow, deep inside, both pole and the pizza are truly remarkable.

Both are remarkable bullies, that's it. They have the ability to crack jokes about the grimmest, turning the most serious moments as the next episode on American Funniest Video..:)

Pole, according to the Webster's Revised Unabridged Dictionary (1913)is:-

1. A straight and slender stick; a wand; hence, any slender bar, as of wood or metal (applied to various purposes).
Specifically:
(a) An instrument of punishment or correction; figuratively, chastisement.
2. A measure of length containing sixteen and a half feet; -- called also perch, and pole.

It is totally funny, how the word /Pole/ actually kind of resembles Mr.Pole. He is tall, thin, almost slender if you insist, :)And bout the punishment part, it could be true to a certain extend, if we consider what a bully he is. But a pole also refers to a street lamp, or something that is long and is used to guide others and that's what Mr.Pole is too. His balance in life, knowing how exactly to strike a balance between spirituality, work, family and fun is something I true admirer and Pole, like the name is someone I literally look up to :)


The Pizza.."Pizza is a baked pie of Italian origin consisting of a shallow bread-like crust covered with seasoned tomato sauce, cheese, and often other toppings such as sausage or olive. The word pizza is believed to be from an Old Italian word meaning "a point," which in turn became the Italian word "pizzicare," which means "to pinch" or "pluck."


What can we say about the Pizza? :) I would risk getting called all sorts of names if I say things bout the Pizza, but what gives? Like a pizza, he is a mixture of eccentricities, and all this odd stuffs add up to make him what he is. He is well loved, can be a lil off sometimes but is the one you can turn to in times of trouble, (but perhaps not when you need directions though)


But like the original Pole and pizza, these very different but magnificent beings; my brothers, are the ones that I can depend on to brighten up my days, yes yes due to the cases I see, and due to the camera that is on all the time. Together with the other brothers, they are the ones I can call when I am in trouble, when I am feeling down, or the ones who would find humour and joke in the grimmest, most absurd things of life. :) Seriously without them, My life would be somewhat bleak, boring, and laughter-less.

Now that I have said such nice things about the two of you, please please do refrain from writing the "chronicles of the mineral bottle" !!!!

A gift arrived.
It looked delicate, in a crumpled, brown box. A faded magenta ribbon meagerly tried to salvage the package. He looked at it. His weathered hands, gently touching the box. Afraid something might just jump out of it. It was addressed to him, written in a language so old, even older than him. He traced his fingers on the words, so gently, savouring the memories, each one of them, flashing before him, breathing life back into his old mortal body. He took a deep breath.

The old box, withered and torn, seemed to take a new form before him. the colours became more vivid, bright, almost vibrant and full of energy. It shook, softly, but every nerve in him was awakened. His eyes, hooded, and creased, focused on the box again.

A tear dropped as he finally began to understand the words written on the box.

(to be continued)

1500
12th May 2009


The war begun almost a century and many moons ago. The warnings were clear, and brutally honest, flood, draught, typhoons, earthquakes. She hated them for invading, ruining what was hers to rule and care for. The minions, used to be under her care, they used to care and love, but somehow, as the clock struck marking a change in the century, the minions changed, almost a drastic change, as different as black and white. She doesn't know why they changed, or what precipitated the change. All she knows now is, they need to be stopped. The lives of everything else under her care is in perilous danger, and if they are destroyed, she ceases to exist too.

As she sat in her majestic chair, slumped, drowned in worry and turmoil, the worry stark,for marks of tears and lines of distress danced their way around her face. Her army was strong, stronger than the minions she needed to warn but her heart was heavy, as every attack she made, so many lives were taken away. The minions were close to her heart, and she loved them dearly as would any mother. She closed her eyes, weary, wondering if they understood, if hope still exists or is a distant memory..

She smiled, knowingly. Hope, just a glimpse of it, peeked at her from a near corner. Small and young, ever as before, Hope whispered to her about a group of young minions chose to defy their destructive nature, and instead save the lives of all the other beings which were placed under their care. Just over 6 moons ago, they started off, unsure of their footings, standing almost alone in a world where many chose to close an eye to the destruction of earth, where many contributed to the destruction, where many just did not care. Yet they stood tall, withholding their values, under the guide and support of the Walking God, Sathya Sai Baba. They climbed the mountain of Truth, fighting their cause, and trying everything that can be done to make at least a small difference, to answer to the plight of Mother Nature. They chose to Walk the talk, they chose Walk for Values.

The road was dark and treacherous, obstacles and difficulties often dropped by to say hi, but yet this group of minions persisted. Sai Youths, they called themselves. Each one was leader in his or her own way, motivating the others and pushing their fellow army when times were difficult. They finally saw light. Walk for Values 2009 was no longer a dream, a far off castle in the sky, but a reality. It was then they realised, they were not alone, the plight of Mother Earth was heard by many many more, and together, on that bright Sunny breathtakingly beautiful day, they linked hands, with tears in their eyes, they walked. And walked they did. Spreading the joy of life, and plants to others, they expanded their army. Their message were clear, voices were in unison as all differences were cast aside on that historical Sunday 10th May 2009. The voices echoed, loud and clear, not only in the residential area, but to the entire nation, and perhaps even more. The voices said : Go Green..

As the army, young and old sang in appreciation and celebration of Mother's Day which coincided with the Walk, the minions, silently prayed, and strenghtened their pledge and promise to Mother who gave them life and home.

The battle may have been won on that day, but they knew, war isn't over. The climb has to continue, no matter how ever much it will extort their sweat and tears, they will walk. And walk they will...

28TH April 2009

My exact words were "There is so much to say, so many thoughts I want to pen down, but I just do not know where to start and how to begin". I wasn't too happy yesterday and after talking to my wonderful friends and sister, I got a better perspective on the situation. Just a few days after writing how I am happy with where I am right now, and how I know everything happens for a reason. I truly believe that whatever that happens beyond your control is there to make you a better person, like propelling you forward to your goal, the ultimate goal, be it to be a good person, to be saved during apocalyspe or just plain Moksha.

I got a very difficult person to work with in the coming three months. He is obnoxious, rude, and the worst part is he doesn't like to listen to what other people has to say. And when I came home I realised the swallow's nest outside my window was destroyed by the contractors who were painting and seeing these birds losing their home kind of did it for me, the straw that broke my back. I couldn't help but feel sad and depressed.

It is easy to know a knowledge, but when it comes to understanding them, it is a whole different story. Well, it is always when a ripples shake the calm surface of the sea, or lake, you realise your stand and appreciate the good times :)

And so, people tell me that I am different.
Truth be told, I am different, from whom I used to be. If you knew me back then, and if you know me now, you would probably notice it too.
No more chip on the shoulder, no more being inhibited and always afraid of what people think.
It took me time, but I learnt, that I matter, and people who thought and made me feel otherwise, just don't matter no more :)
This is what life does to you, it helps you to grow and just recently I had this epiphany. Some of us, depending on where you are in life, are like butterflies, really.
You start off as a caterpillar, just moving on with life, doing what you are supposed to do, and though you know you have better things lined up for you in the future, but you can't quite put your finger to it. And then things happen, experiences and all, it slowly stretches you. Especially events in life that you have no control over. It stretches you to a point that you just can't take it anymore, and poof, (perhaps not that magically), you change, maybe to a butterfly ( or a moth ~depends on your idea on life) or perhaps you just have a new skin. It doesn't matter really. What happens is you just become a brand new person, you feel free, and life is a whole new place to explore and grow again.

That is how I feel now. Uninhibited, free, and whole (not totally, but I am working on it :)) I tell you, it's the hair!! Having short hair does a whole lot of difference to you.

I used to care and spend a lot of time wondering what people would think of the things I do, what I wore, what I said, about everything really. Yes I had esteem issues, and why I had them isn't important anymore. The truly important thing is that now, this things, what people say and do just doesn't matter anymore. Everyone is as different as they can be, no two person is ever the same, even twins. It is a blatant truth, but it is funny how many of us float along life, just trying to mould ourselves to fit what someone else wants for you. It could be moulding yourself for your partner, your family, or the society or even for someone you like, say an artist or anyone. What happens is, in the process of moulding, you lose yourself, your true nature, your colourfulness, and end up just like any other person, unreal, and plastic, you lose yourself and the ability to love yourself. Tell me, how can you ever love anyone else, if you don't love yourself first? And loving myself is what I am doing right now.

With that said and done, I, just had the most relaxing saturday ever that a girl can have! Shopping!! I got myself 2 dresses, a work top and pants. Darshie and I shopped till we dropped. It started with lunch in Chat Masala, and we had chicken briyani (veg of course) and then we went shopping followed by coffee n the most sinful cheesy pizza in Italiannies.. (Ati risk of sounding totally gay *wink, i am saying this) Told ya, I had a great day with my favourite girl :)

The weather in KL is unbearable and I have been hearing that it is almost the same everywhere else around Malaysia.

To those idiots out there who are still in denial of global warming, and environmental destruction, time to set your facts straight. It is here, and will be here, meaner than ever. So instead of wasting your time, trying to convince people that the melting of the polar caps and emission of carbon is a natural process, try to utilize your time to help make a difference and make a change.

This is aimed at those scientist out there, and including some in M'sia who seems to think that Global warming is just a govermental hoax (Read: U.S plan to increase tax consumption on environmental products etc. Apparently, the huge effort for Earth Hour was plain useless since it didn't make a difference (what about creating awareness you dimwits?) and the increase of green house gas, is normal and this whole global warming is just a natural process that occurs every few million years...

So much for knowledge and empathy eh?

Dear Reader,

I may not know who you are, or I may. It doesn't matter that much as I owe you this much, and here is a gift just for you. A WHOLE NEW TEMPLATE:)) yay.. Isn't nice? I picked it out by myself just for you. I know I haven't been updating that often, and so today, instead of studying for my finals like how I should have been doing, I spent a whole load of time, making this blog nice for you. It doesn't hurt that I love it too.

xoxo,
The Writer

p.s: I am almost done with my first year of Masters. Can't believe I came this far, and I am happy right where I am now. Perfecto, and starting May I am going to start my practicals, seeing patients and all.:))

As I sit here, snuggled in the crook of my bed, my mind wondering, through high buildings, and low mangers, sweet smelling flowers, and desert roses, I stop to think of the reality of everything. It is a notion that has been harping on mind for quite sometime recently, and I really wonder on it's existence. How everything we see and smell and touch and hear, is here because and only because you believe in it. If you cease to believe, is that death? Or would you just cease to exist in this world of uncertainty and dreamplays? And merge into the one-ness of everything? Basically in Him.

Do you recall everyone how you were as a child? Do you remember how every colour was so vivid, how every senses where waiting in anticipation just for the moment you could be unleashed to the forbidden world of play? How the world around you stopped revolving the moment you start colouring and drawing or just playing? It was just you and only you existed at that moment.

Do you now recall a dream, a vivid one, with you, some family members perhaps,in some place you had visited before? How real it seems, to be there and cherishing everything, or to be running for your life, YOUR SAFETY, in a nightmare, only to wake up and realise it was just a dream.

My train of thoughts wanders, derailed, just floating along the night sky. I have got nothing interesting to say, nothing smart to reply.

Just that, right now, I am choosing to revel in life. To breathe, to smile, to feel, the raw nakedness of emotions and senses, just to exist, because I choose to.
Knowing this, having this knowledge is liberating by itself. I am here, because I choose to me, and I know come what may, I can handle it. It feels light, somewhat like a piece of the crytogram or puzzle is complete. I feel whole.

You may get this post, you may not. Maybe now maybe never. It matters not, for we are all the same eventually, the differences aren't that many, we are more alike than we know :)

I am frustated. So yeah this is going to be a pleasant post.
I am tired of being nice, accomodating whilst I am being embarassed and shouted at. I am tired of all the work load I have and I feel like I need some time to sort my brain out.I dislike multi-tasking, I want to revel in days that I did not have to study and work my butt off to gain some extra cash.
I need a break, I need to stay away from books, I need to stay from people who only complain and never see the good in others. I wish I can stop time. So I can sit, go for a holiday, and get everything sorted out. I want to be able to compartmentalise my brain so I can do a number of things at the same time. I basically wish I was at home with mom and dad. Yeah I would not get so much of freedom, but apparently now I know that freedom comes with a heavy pricetag.

*sigh.. I need to take a step back, and relax. But times running out. I don't know how I am going to do this.

Right now, all I want is for this dull headache to go away and to be able to fall asleep at night. Stress + insomnia is not funny at all..

I am at lost as to what to type. I really have no idea. My brain is steaming from the flu and fever med I took earlier. I have no idea why I have such low tolerance to drugs, and what exactly happens to make me feel this way.
My body feels weak, head gets heavy, n I get dizzy..
So much of work to do, and I haven't even started yet.:(

I am depressed. I want to cry, and I try but no tears seems to be coming.
Maybe it is because I know what is the right thing.
And the right thing is just follow whatever your parents say. Do what they need you to do and not hurt them.
I am saying this because my sisters and I were supposed to go to Redang, this weekend. And the Lord knows how much we needed a break. Both my elder sisters are having problems at work, and I need a break from all these working and studying, and younger sis, deserves a treat for her excellent result.
And then came the Dad saying NO. Don't go, not safe, weather's unreliable and waves are strong and all.
So, how can I still go ahead? I was so confused. Should I heed dad's warning and not go, or go ahead? I need the holiday.
And then, Haihh... I followed my heart, as painful as it is, I listened to it.. And decided not to go.
Since I always am the first one to say the cliche "everything happens for a reason", it only makes sense to believe in it myself.

Hmm... *hugs*.. Will go soon. I am sure swami has a plan, he is making this happen for a reason, and I am not angry with dad but I am actually sad Swami didnt make this work out.

woooo hoooo..
I will let myself fall,
the world is beyond my control,
the people around me are beyond my control,
the weather, the temperature, the seasons,
are all beyond my control,
But what I choose to do
is in my control,
How I feel is in my control,
And I choose,
to let go,
allow life to happen,
I choose to not get attached,
to the outcomes of my plans,
I choose to just live..
and smile....

Tree Planting session, here I come..

I can't wait.
It makes my heart pound faster, my pressure rises up gently, and I get slight goose-bumps. And all these happens, just by a small flicker of my mind. Just by thinking of things that I like, photography, and art and Holidays.
Thinking of all the beautiful exotic shots I can take when I get my camera (soon soon), gets me excited. I feel like a kid seeing the world for the first time. This fascination with photography isn't new, I like it, not because it is an IN thing to do.
It amazes me how you can capture an image on a film, on a paper, and not only capture the image, but also the colours, vivid brightness and also the raw emotions on paper. It is as if the trick to capture emotions and feelings, are by taking a snapshot. And the moment you look back at a photo, no matter how ancient, how rusty, how dog-eared it is, emotions flood back into you. Such Magic.

I can't wait. to unleash the magic

whhhheeeeee

I wonder, and I ponder,
why on earth are so many people born either in Jan or March? And I know so few people born in July..

I seriously wonder..

I am looking forward to this Saturday :)Sis's engagement. Looking forward to meet everyone, the whole jingbang, the sp ppl, the KL bunch and the relations from Penang :) yay.. its going to be so much of fun, cant wait..

But yeah, together with all this, there is something that i dread.
No not anyone in particular,
not even the assignment and presentations that follow ..

but..

the nagging questions from all this aunties and some uncles..

"SO?? ITS YOUR TURN NEXT! WHEN IS IT GOING TO BE? HOW SOON????"

arrrgggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Im just going to drag darshie and say Im getting married to her..
Gay rights!! hahaha

Hellooo ;)

Despite only sleeping for 2 hours last night, and the crazy amount of work I have, life is good.. Its all good and its at a just nice, warm enough to sleep state..Pardon the pun, I am just sleepy. :)

I just cant wait to get done with my studying, hoping to get my external placements in the places I applied for, and start travelling! Yay...
It would be awesome to not only go elsewhere for the internship but also to travel all around the place.. Fingers crossed..

And then there is this other matter, that I am confused..How can one choose? Its not far.. I like both of them, and putting me in this predicament is so unfair! I am torn,,,

....
,,,,,,
........


a Laptop or DSLR ??

hehehe.. :D
It is a confusion.. A massive one at that..

My current laptop is so broken, its hanging a thread.. And it doesnt to work properly, getting overheated and all.. So bloody irritating!But it still runs.

But I want a camera .. I need to pamper myself after all the hardwork I am putting in, trying to manage studying and working at the same time.. Its not funny..

So you tell me.. while you are thinking, I will work on my campaigns, presentations and then enjoy my wonderful holiday in Redang .. Oh boy.. LIfe is good... Misery? What's That ??