I am at lost as to what to type. I really have no idea. My brain is steaming from the flu and fever med I took earlier. I have no idea why I have such low tolerance to drugs, and what exactly happens to make me feel this way.
My body feels weak, head gets heavy, n I get dizzy..
So much of work to do, and I haven't even started yet.:(

I am depressed. I want to cry, and I try but no tears seems to be coming.
Maybe it is because I know what is the right thing.
And the right thing is just follow whatever your parents say. Do what they need you to do and not hurt them.
I am saying this because my sisters and I were supposed to go to Redang, this weekend. And the Lord knows how much we needed a break. Both my elder sisters are having problems at work, and I need a break from all these working and studying, and younger sis, deserves a treat for her excellent result.
And then came the Dad saying NO. Don't go, not safe, weather's unreliable and waves are strong and all.
So, how can I still go ahead? I was so confused. Should I heed dad's warning and not go, or go ahead? I need the holiday.
And then, Haihh... I followed my heart, as painful as it is, I listened to it.. And decided not to go.
Since I always am the first one to say the cliche "everything happens for a reason", it only makes sense to believe in it myself.

Hmm... *hugs*.. Will go soon. I am sure swami has a plan, he is making this happen for a reason, and I am not angry with dad but I am actually sad Swami didnt make this work out.

woooo hoooo..
I will let myself fall,
the world is beyond my control,
the people around me are beyond my control,
the weather, the temperature, the seasons,
are all beyond my control,
But what I choose to do
is in my control,
How I feel is in my control,
And I choose,
to let go,
allow life to happen,
I choose to not get attached,
to the outcomes of my plans,
I choose to just live..
and smile....

Tree Planting session, here I come..

I can't wait.
It makes my heart pound faster, my pressure rises up gently, and I get slight goose-bumps. And all these happens, just by a small flicker of my mind. Just by thinking of things that I like, photography, and art and Holidays.
Thinking of all the beautiful exotic shots I can take when I get my camera (soon soon), gets me excited. I feel like a kid seeing the world for the first time. This fascination with photography isn't new, I like it, not because it is an IN thing to do.
It amazes me how you can capture an image on a film, on a paper, and not only capture the image, but also the colours, vivid brightness and also the raw emotions on paper. It is as if the trick to capture emotions and feelings, are by taking a snapshot. And the moment you look back at a photo, no matter how ancient, how rusty, how dog-eared it is, emotions flood back into you. Such Magic.

I can't wait. to unleash the magic

whhhheeeeee

I wonder, and I ponder,
why on earth are so many people born either in Jan or March? And I know so few people born in July..

I seriously wonder..

I am looking forward to this Saturday :)Sis's engagement. Looking forward to meet everyone, the whole jingbang, the sp ppl, the KL bunch and the relations from Penang :) yay.. its going to be so much of fun, cant wait..

But yeah, together with all this, there is something that i dread.
No not anyone in particular,
not even the assignment and presentations that follow ..

but..

the nagging questions from all this aunties and some uncles..

"SO?? ITS YOUR TURN NEXT! WHEN IS IT GOING TO BE? HOW SOON????"

arrrgggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Im just going to drag darshie and say Im getting married to her..
Gay rights!! hahaha

Hellooo ;)

Despite only sleeping for 2 hours last night, and the crazy amount of work I have, life is good.. Its all good and its at a just nice, warm enough to sleep state..Pardon the pun, I am just sleepy. :)

I just cant wait to get done with my studying, hoping to get my external placements in the places I applied for, and start travelling! Yay...
It would be awesome to not only go elsewhere for the internship but also to travel all around the place.. Fingers crossed..

And then there is this other matter, that I am confused..How can one choose? Its not far.. I like both of them, and putting me in this predicament is so unfair! I am torn,,,

....
,,,,,,
........


a Laptop or DSLR ??

hehehe.. :D
It is a confusion.. A massive one at that..

My current laptop is so broken, its hanging a thread.. And it doesnt to work properly, getting overheated and all.. So bloody irritating!But it still runs.

But I want a camera .. I need to pamper myself after all the hardwork I am putting in, trying to manage studying and working at the same time.. Its not funny..

So you tell me.. while you are thinking, I will work on my campaigns, presentations and then enjoy my wonderful holiday in Redang .. Oh boy.. LIfe is good... Misery? What's That ??

Almost one year down the road, it hits me again. Right smack in the middle of my face.
How does one let go? I realized I haven't. I get uneasy if I imagine him with someone else, but the thing is, I want him to be with someone else. I just am so confused. I do not want a relationship with the same person, but I miss not having it. I keep forgetting all the pain, and all I remember are the good times, and that makes it even more difficult.

I am clear and certain I did the right thing. I know I made the right decision. I also know for certain and I have no doubts that Swami will send someone soon. But I don't understand why there are times I feel like I haven't let go. At other times, I don't even think about it, and I feel like I have moved on.

HMmmm.. The laments of a broken heart eh... No not actually. I guess, it all started again after Thaipusam, cause we used to meet up during the day back in Ipoh, and being there at the same time, and not doing it this year felt weird, and it has been in my subconscious ever since.

It is also probably all these stress, work (yeah im working now :( ), all the exams, assignments, presentations, uni politics.. whoa.. a little too much to endure.. And so at times of high stress like this, you tend to regress, and you remember comforting times of the past, and so I thought of u.

Its ok.. I will get over it, I will move on as we all do. It is taking sometime because I probably still have lessons to learn from this.. :))

On a bright note, life is all good.. I havent blogged in ages because I have absolutely no time. Whatever free times are spent either with the girls, or Sai work, or uni....

Sister's engagement is coming, yay :) and Im getting my slr soon after, :)

It is time to continue the previous post. Darshie sweets, please don't thank me. I did not do anything at all to help and I could have so much more. I am just sorry I wasn't there as much as I wanted to.

Moving on to the other things that happened, Happy fun things, my good friend from Australia was down,, Yay.. Am.. We have been best of friends since we were 16, the year i shifted to Ipoh. And she was this prefect in school, very smart, kind and also funny, especially when it comes to doing silly things in school. I remember there was this time back in Form 4 when we were busy painting the classroom and picture this .....

flashback.....

...
....
Alright alright.. the classroom walls had hieroglyphs (ancient egyptian writing) -gold on black walls,
And the front part of the class, we did graffiti (I know, How cool right?? :))
So anyways, the grafitti, we painted our class name (4 orchid,, n the year 200-something in blood red, with the bloody effect!! ( You know, the effect you get if you spray the paint too close to the wall and it drips- hence the blood effect??) Yeap thats the one...Nice right :)

So we finished painting the class, and we were so proud of our work, and we were the envy of the other classes and all... And came the Class Party Day..

As it fell on OCT 31, we decided the theme for the party should be Halloween, and dress up like ghost and ghouls and all. And so we came with rolls and rolls of toilet rolls, and started wrapping ourselves up to be mummies, Ameeta became a vampire (with the help of black garbage bag and fake teeth ??), another became vampire/devil.. some evil persona..

So anyway what happened then was, some teachers came over to the class to feast and all, and suddenly comes the Assistant Principle (PK HEM) and I think the disciplin teacher and they start screaming at us, asking how come we are dressed up as Ghosts and how come the class was so dark ( we had candles and the doors were covered with shreded black garbage bags and we even had a carved pumpkin in the middle... Nice right??) Nope they didnt think so. The teachers thought, they actually thought we were in a cult, we probably are in this Black Metal Cult group since it was a Hype at that time. To add to their believe, they saw the bloody effect of the graffiti and they were convinced that we are satanic, we did offering in blood and we probably run amok burning holy books!! Goodness.. We tried explaining and you can guess as much that she didnt believe us at all. It was ridiculous, we had to tear off the black plastic layering at the door, blow off the candles and the next day, repaint over the bloody effect :((

Its sad how teachers nowadays, or perhaps like 7 years ago (ok ok,, only some) they don't seem to understand the students they are teaching. I mean if you are teaching a bunch of 16 year olds, then it would do you good if you could at least find out somethings about their likes, whats in or not right?

But the worst of the lot, in my opinion would be primary school teachers, who forbid primary kids to run around. You won't believe the things they say during school assembly. How would I know? Oh boy, the apartment I am staying in, is right next to a primary school. The kids are actually shouted at every morning, without fail. And they are forbidden to runaround and play during Recess time. Can you imagine, study study till its recess, then you buy your food, eat in total silence n awe ( okay, exageration again.. :)) and then line up and back to class to study more. And once school is over, you got to rush back to the bus or parent's car and to the next destination (tuitions/piano class/ballet/taekwandoe/wushu?? haha... I don't know what this kids do anyway).

I would think, it is so much more stressful to be a primary school kid than being anything else... At least to a certain extend..

Agree, no??

Its 17 days pass the New Year,, and I still don't have any resolutions.. AH.. heck the resolutions.. Who need them anyway, its not like I will even remember them by June :)

Anyway, yep, been ages since the last post, and so many events took place. Happy events, sad events, events that tear your heart into pieces and other events that make you laugh till you have a stitch in your sides. As you all may or may not know (depending on if you read the news or not), there was a recent landslide in Bukit Antarabangsa in early Dec and it claimed the life of my very good friend's cousin, Dr. Yoges. I personally do not know her, haven't met her but her passing took me by surprise and it was so painful to see how much my friend and the rest of the family was suffering and dealing with the lost. It hurt to see the people you care about in so much of pain, and you cant do anyting about it. The landslide was a day before I left to India, and thus, I couldnt even visit her.

You know how when you read the papers or watch the news, and there are people dying almost every other day due to some calamity, you feel sorry for the person and their family, but the feeling just stops there. You don't spend weeks dwelling on the emotion and grieve, you don't mourne for them (probably not as much), and sooner or later, it goes out of your mind, somewhere in your subconcious domain. But this event, this death, shocked me to my core. I started wondering how would I deal if I lost my parents, or siblings, and I just couldn't do anything about it. I didnt want to go to India, and started having doubts and was very anxious on the safety of my family.

Though I wanted to go to India so badly, I started having hestitations, doubts.. You know death is just a part of life, you know you should detach yourself from everything that isn't permanent here in this world, and yet when it hits you, it hits you smack on your face. Yep, I do not have an answer to how I manage to overcome the feeling, or if i supressed it. Whatever happens, happens for a reason..

to be continued ....

today is the The day I get to smile, and look back and still keep smiling..

I know my posts have been all mundane, and bleak and pretty much all dysthymic and all. But today it changes because, I realize this is long overdue. Life is so short, so why waste time being sad and angry and all those negative emotions and all. I cant be holding back just because other people are sad. Its all how you look at it anyway...Plus, I am just excited my exams are over. It was tough but I surrendered and so what ever comes, it is all His work. Failure or pass, its his call :) I am just going to sit back and enjoy the days. Happy holidays to you too.

I pray for strength to withstand the challenges,
and to carry the sword of truth
I pray for courage to keep walking forward,
though it seems like an uphill battle
I pray for tolerance and forbearance,
to forgive those who have caused pain
I pray for empathy and love
to bless those are kind and virtuous
I pray for patience so I know tomorrow will be a better day,
I pray for your grace to guard and guide me in every step I take,
And I pray for a prayer to be always on my lips

Am not feeling too good about the way things are. I thought it will be easier as time flies, but I guess the past has a way of catching up no matter how fast or far you run.

I got caught. It is suffice to say it wasn't a very happy event.

Date: the past one week
theme of the event: betrayal
props used: hurt, anger, sadness, a colourful concoction of emotions

And I don't know anymore. People do things you least expect them to, so lesson learned is not to have any expectations at all. Plus it all had to happen a week before my finals.. :(

I will be okay. I am okay. I am just going to say " hey whatever! and move on"

Oh boy...

I am so sorry I never got the time to blog recently. Yep blame it on the Masters program. Its so hectic and I still have assignments due this week. And final's next week, with 6 papers to go.. Oh boy yet again..

But lets see, I haven't blogged for a month plus, right? But lots of things happened actually. To be honest, I didnt want to blog because of a certain person. And just recently I found out how childish this whole ordeal was and I realized that since he doesn't care anymore, I shouldn't be perturbed anymore too. So yeah.. :)

I am alright on the whole. Not being in a relationship taught me many many things. The biggest lesson is to Always and Always make sure you know who you are getting into a relationship with. Or else, this is what happens. But I'm glad it happened. I learnt so much from everything, and I can say I am a better person now.

Nope no one new yet.. (in case if you r wondering) and nope again, I really don't want to get involved yet too. But do notice that I am saying this because there aren't any eligible ones around.. :) I don't have the time though. This whole post-grad is sucking up and consuming my entire life. I only have enough time to go for prayers and get involved in whatever activities. Thats all..

Diwali was a simple affair this year. Both my elder sisters left in the afternoon itself, so it was just me and my younger sister at home at night. We played with firecrackers the day before.. Shall upload the video on Facebook. And now I really must start studying for my exams. And in Dec, I am going to India again.. Yippie.. Same place, Prashanti Nilayam, in Andhra.. And then the stress starts again for another semester of coursework before I start my practicals..

I am so sorry that I don't have that much of time to blog anymore. Plus I don't even have proper net connection at home.. Damn.. Do bear with me.. Will try to write more often.. Have a good week ahead

Once a king called upon all of his wise men and asked them, " Is there a mantra or suggestion which works in every situation, in every circumstances, in every place and in every time. In every joy, every
sorrow, every defeat and every victory? One answer for all questions? Something which can help me when none of you is available to advise me? Tell me is there any mantra?"

All the wise men were puzzled by the King's question. They thought and thought. After a lengthy discussion, an old man suggested something which appealed to all of them. They went to the king and
gave him something written on paper, with a condition that the king was not to see it out of curiosity. Only in extreme danger, when the King finds himself alone and there seems to be no way, only then he can see it. The King put the papers under his diamond ring.

Some time later, the neighbours attacked the Kingdom. King and his army fought bravely but lost the battle. The King had to flee on his horse. The enemies were following him. getting closer and closer. Suddenly the King found himself standing at the end of the road - that road was not going anywhere. Underneath there was a rocky valley thousand feet deep. If he jumped into it, he would be finished...and he could not return because it was a small road...the sound of enemy's horses was approaching fast. The King became restless. There seemed to be no way.

Then suddenly he saw the Diamond in his ring shining in the sun, and he remembered the message hidden in the ring. He opened the diamond and read the message. The message was - "THIS TOO SHALL PASS"

The King read it. Again read it. Suddenly something struck him- Yes! This too will pass. Only a few days ago, I was enjoying my kingdom. I was the mightiest of all the Kings. Yet today, the Kingdom
and all his pleasure have gone. I am here trying to escape from enemies. Like those days of luxuries have gone, this day of danger too will pass. Calmness came on his face. He kept standing there. The place where he was standing was full of natural beauty. He had never known that such a beautiful place was also a part of his Kingdom. The revelation of the message had a great effect on him. He relaxed and
forgot about those following him. After a few minutes he realized that the noise of the horses and the enemy coming was receding. They moved into some other part of the mountains and were near him.

The King was very brave. He reorganised his army and fought again. He defeated the enemy and regained his empire. When he returned to his empire after victory, he was received with much fanfare. The whole capital was rejoicing in the victory. Everyone was in a festive mood.
Flowers were being showered on King from every house, from every corner. People were dancing and singing. For a moment King said to himself," I am one of the bravest and greatest Kings. It is not easy to
defeat me. With all the reception and celebration he saw an ego emerging in him.

Suddenly the Diamond of his ring flashed in the sunlight and reminded him of the message. He opened it and read it again: "THIS TOO SHALL PASS". He became silent. His face went through a total change - from the egoist he moved to a state of utter humbleness. If this too is going to pass, it is not yours. The defeat was not yours, the victory is not yours. You are just a watcher. Everything passes by. We are
witnesses of all this. We are the perceivers. Life comes and goes. Happiness comes and goes. Sorrow comes and goes.

Now that we have read this story, let us each just sit silently and evaluate our own life. This too will pass. Think of the moments of joy and victory in our life. Think of the moment of sorrow and defeat. Are they permanent? They all come and pass away. Life just passes away. There is nothing permanent in this world. Every thing changes except the law of change. Think over it from our own perspective. We have seen all the changes, we have survived all setbacks, all defeats and all sorrows. All have passed away. The problems in the present, they too will pass away. Because nothing remains forever.

As Swami always reminds us.....

Happiness and Sorrow are the two faces of the same coin.
We are just the witnesses of these changes.
Experience it, understand it, and enjoy the present moment - live in the 'now'....
because this too shall pass!

I am wondering if I should carry on with this blog. It doesnt seem to fit its purpose anymore. Wait, there are no purposes, but hmm..

Life is pretty stressful right now. Managed to hand in 2 of assignments and I still have another 3 to go. Then comes the part of your life. The one that has to do with all the other people in your life. You try to please one party, then end up getting screwed by another. Lecturers in uni are not up to any standard at all. Just because u have a post grad degree, doesn't mean you are all too good and you can go around yelling ryt?

Hhmm.. I am wondering,, will it ever get any better. I should probably diagnose myself for depression.. haha.. Just am so glad I have a whole bunch of wonderful classmates, and friends and family who care. But then one still needs to whine n complain don't they..?? :)

BTW, the line between complaining and explaining your life is so thin, ppl always get confused with the both. does it even matter anyway??\
..

I know I haven't been updating the blog often. I seriously don't have the time. Argh I don't know. I need to increase my motivation and self discipline. I have four assignments to pass up. Let me explain.

1) Thesis proposal that we will be working on next year
current status - 1% as I have just identified the topic I might be interested in. Even then, I am not entirely sure as I cant seem to find enough back up data on the likes of this study. Tough?? yep. Tell me all about it

2) Thesis critique - To identify the mistakes in a pass year thesis and summarize it in 5 pages.
current status :-0%

3)Assessment tool review - To pick an assessment tool and explain all about it including studies on reliability, validity etc. You also need to run the test on someone and get the data on it and explain on how you calculate and measure the scores
current status - 0%

4) Task Analysis - To describe in detail how do you travel from home to class. To include in all the cues and natural consequences if those steps were not taken.
current status - 90%

Thus, so far I have only managed to complete one and even that isnt 100% done. What am I do to? I came back from class, did some research online and wanted to take a short 30 min nap but that dragged on to 2 hours!!! I am so going to fail my course... I need to buck up..

And on top of this, I am required to go back to Ipoh almost every other weekend to coach my younger sis who is sitting for SPM this year. Its not that I don't like going back or helping her out. It is just that I am at a point I dont even have time to resurface and breath and I am expected to this. When I say I have to do my assignments, I am labelled as selfish.. Tell me, is it okay to go back and coach coach my sis and fail my studies is it? huh?? argh..

i have been busy.. classes everyday n all.. no time for anything.. so stressed out that i got another cold sore.. damn.. i need to learn to apply all the relaxation techniques i learned on myself..:)) had an exam today. The questions that were asked had nothing to do with what we were told or advised on. So I am sure you will understand our frustrations. Plus, on top of that, the lecturer had the nerve of smirking through out the whole exams, just because he knew we didnt like him at all, and thought the worst of him. It is true anyway. Alright, enough of that.

I like it now, life seems ok. "I know its tough but I have to do this for our future. Me and you." Its hard of course, who ever said it wasn't. But in life we learn, through pain and happiness, its just a cycle. Wheel of life.. How Buddhist is this? I don't think I have the liberty of coming online so often anymore and writing this. I almost feel guilty doing this. Well, will try to update the blog as often as i can.. :))

Have a good Weekend..

Its been a hectic week, tiring weekend, and pleasant day. Actually not so much of the day being pleasant. It was fine. Just plain fine. My convocation was on Monday :) yep big smiles. I am officially done with my degree. I wasn't feeling excited or even deliriously happy regarding my graduation. Perhaps its because I am still studying, still lugging my bad across KL, still walking here and there and getting dark, and perhaps, because I am still going to classes, and have tonnes of assignments due!! But then, I actually started getting nervous, and had tiny-weeny butterflies in my stomach on Monday :).. Actually that was probably cause I was pissed and nervous since the Uni forgot to attach my parents' entrance pass in the bag with my robe. Had to go early and get them and it was a dreadfully hot day. Was ALREADY sweating pails by the time I entered the hall for the ceremony. Anyway, it was really fun, getting to meet up with old friends, took a lot of photos :) will post in my Facebook account.. hehe.. And when to the studio to take a couple of shots with the family..

Dad couldn't make it though and I didnt feel the need to invite so many people, mainly because I was still studying. Lets just hope I will be able to graduate this time too, haihh... Course is getting difficult, Im getting lost and blur. The mountain of assignments seem to be ever rising, and guess what?? My theses proposal is due in 2 weeks time, and I don't even have a topic yet.. arghh.. Seriously, things just dun seem to get better at all..What law was it again? Murphy's Law I think. Saying something like, if there are chances for something to go wrong, everything else will be going wrong. I don't know exactly.:)

But then again, its not like I don't like my course or I'm complaining about it, I am just a lil stressed if I will be able to handle all these assignments and workload.. I sure hope I do.. I cant afford to screw up this.. Pray for me...

argghhhh...
stupid stupid guy... I went for a haircut.. In a saloon in Sg Wang..
He chopped off my fringe... I didnt ask to look like a japanese doll..
Noooo... Its horrible, horrifyin, terrifying..

haihhhh... I have to just wait for it to grow out..

I saw this message on someone's shoutout and I think it hit home.
"Love the heart that hurts you and never hurt the heart that loves you".
I thought that if you push yourself away from the problem, or pain, it won't be able to hurt you. Little did I realise, it doesn't matter how far you try to go, it will still sneak up behind you and hurt you anyways.

So there is this person, A, who wasn't very kind to me and owes me something, and I decided that its time to ask back for it. But apparently that person then said some mean things about me just becaused I asked for it back. And started ignoring every call or message. I was upset, because I wasn't what A claimed I was. Then it dawned on me. It will be painful, it will be hurting if I allow it to hurt me.

As my lecturer Dr Alvin had always said, a problem will only be a problem if you think its a problem. Thus, hmm. if A doesn't want to give it back, no problems. I will assume and change the way i react and assume the situation. Take it as I donated all those to A. It won't change me. .


That said and done, I am glad I got into the Master's program. Its probably one of my greatest accomplishment so far. Out of 70 plus only 11 of us are in the course. That isn't why Im gloating about it. I am happy because Im actually getting to understand myself. Why I am the way I am and how I respond in relation to others, family, and friends. I can now identify what went wrong were and how I can now change somethings that I wasn't happy about...

I may not be perfect. There are are a lot of parts of me that I need to work on and change. But so what. Who's perfect?? I am happy being me. Thats why I am me!
And for you, A, you know who you are. If you think I am what you said I am, so be it. If you decide to ignore my messages and pretend I don't exist anymore, so be it. Keep it.. I forgive you anyway..

Life is liberating once you learn to step back and breathe and not bother about what others think about you.. Thats my motto now :))

When you walk on forward and not turn back,
and you are unsure of the steps and the future,
wishing you could just retreat and take a few steps back,
is it faith?
or is it blind courage?

If you turn your head backwards,
hoping to see,
glimpses of past,
wishing it will resurface,
instead you see darkness,
and potholes on the path,
looking front, its no difference,
but one is just a mirage,
another is a reflection,
Do you rely on your knowledge,
or do you surrender?

so what works where?
blind faith and courage,
surrender and knowledge,
will you ever know?
even if you try and fail,
will you ever realize,
is it something you can ever realize?