today is the The day I get to smile, and look back and still keep smiling..

I know my posts have been all mundane, and bleak and pretty much all dysthymic and all. But today it changes because, I realize this is long overdue. Life is so short, so why waste time being sad and angry and all those negative emotions and all. I cant be holding back just because other people are sad. Its all how you look at it anyway...Plus, I am just excited my exams are over. It was tough but I surrendered and so what ever comes, it is all His work. Failure or pass, its his call :) I am just going to sit back and enjoy the days. Happy holidays to you too.

I pray for strength to withstand the challenges,
and to carry the sword of truth
I pray for courage to keep walking forward,
though it seems like an uphill battle
I pray for tolerance and forbearance,
to forgive those who have caused pain
I pray for empathy and love
to bless those are kind and virtuous
I pray for patience so I know tomorrow will be a better day,
I pray for your grace to guard and guide me in every step I take,
And I pray for a prayer to be always on my lips

Am not feeling too good about the way things are. I thought it will be easier as time flies, but I guess the past has a way of catching up no matter how fast or far you run.

I got caught. It is suffice to say it wasn't a very happy event.

Date: the past one week
theme of the event: betrayal
props used: hurt, anger, sadness, a colourful concoction of emotions

And I don't know anymore. People do things you least expect them to, so lesson learned is not to have any expectations at all. Plus it all had to happen a week before my finals.. :(

I will be okay. I am okay. I am just going to say " hey whatever! and move on"

Oh boy...

I am so sorry I never got the time to blog recently. Yep blame it on the Masters program. Its so hectic and I still have assignments due this week. And final's next week, with 6 papers to go.. Oh boy yet again..

But lets see, I haven't blogged for a month plus, right? But lots of things happened actually. To be honest, I didnt want to blog because of a certain person. And just recently I found out how childish this whole ordeal was and I realized that since he doesn't care anymore, I shouldn't be perturbed anymore too. So yeah.. :)

I am alright on the whole. Not being in a relationship taught me many many things. The biggest lesson is to Always and Always make sure you know who you are getting into a relationship with. Or else, this is what happens. But I'm glad it happened. I learnt so much from everything, and I can say I am a better person now.

Nope no one new yet.. (in case if you r wondering) and nope again, I really don't want to get involved yet too. But do notice that I am saying this because there aren't any eligible ones around.. :) I don't have the time though. This whole post-grad is sucking up and consuming my entire life. I only have enough time to go for prayers and get involved in whatever activities. Thats all..

Diwali was a simple affair this year. Both my elder sisters left in the afternoon itself, so it was just me and my younger sister at home at night. We played with firecrackers the day before.. Shall upload the video on Facebook. And now I really must start studying for my exams. And in Dec, I am going to India again.. Yippie.. Same place, Prashanti Nilayam, in Andhra.. And then the stress starts again for another semester of coursework before I start my practicals..

I am so sorry that I don't have that much of time to blog anymore. Plus I don't even have proper net connection at home.. Damn.. Do bear with me.. Will try to write more often.. Have a good week ahead

Once a king called upon all of his wise men and asked them, " Is there a mantra or suggestion which works in every situation, in every circumstances, in every place and in every time. In every joy, every
sorrow, every defeat and every victory? One answer for all questions? Something which can help me when none of you is available to advise me? Tell me is there any mantra?"

All the wise men were puzzled by the King's question. They thought and thought. After a lengthy discussion, an old man suggested something which appealed to all of them. They went to the king and
gave him something written on paper, with a condition that the king was not to see it out of curiosity. Only in extreme danger, when the King finds himself alone and there seems to be no way, only then he can see it. The King put the papers under his diamond ring.

Some time later, the neighbours attacked the Kingdom. King and his army fought bravely but lost the battle. The King had to flee on his horse. The enemies were following him. getting closer and closer. Suddenly the King found himself standing at the end of the road - that road was not going anywhere. Underneath there was a rocky valley thousand feet deep. If he jumped into it, he would be finished...and he could not return because it was a small road...the sound of enemy's horses was approaching fast. The King became restless. There seemed to be no way.

Then suddenly he saw the Diamond in his ring shining in the sun, and he remembered the message hidden in the ring. He opened the diamond and read the message. The message was - "THIS TOO SHALL PASS"

The King read it. Again read it. Suddenly something struck him- Yes! This too will pass. Only a few days ago, I was enjoying my kingdom. I was the mightiest of all the Kings. Yet today, the Kingdom
and all his pleasure have gone. I am here trying to escape from enemies. Like those days of luxuries have gone, this day of danger too will pass. Calmness came on his face. He kept standing there. The place where he was standing was full of natural beauty. He had never known that such a beautiful place was also a part of his Kingdom. The revelation of the message had a great effect on him. He relaxed and
forgot about those following him. After a few minutes he realized that the noise of the horses and the enemy coming was receding. They moved into some other part of the mountains and were near him.

The King was very brave. He reorganised his army and fought again. He defeated the enemy and regained his empire. When he returned to his empire after victory, he was received with much fanfare. The whole capital was rejoicing in the victory. Everyone was in a festive mood.
Flowers were being showered on King from every house, from every corner. People were dancing and singing. For a moment King said to himself," I am one of the bravest and greatest Kings. It is not easy to
defeat me. With all the reception and celebration he saw an ego emerging in him.

Suddenly the Diamond of his ring flashed in the sunlight and reminded him of the message. He opened it and read it again: "THIS TOO SHALL PASS". He became silent. His face went through a total change - from the egoist he moved to a state of utter humbleness. If this too is going to pass, it is not yours. The defeat was not yours, the victory is not yours. You are just a watcher. Everything passes by. We are
witnesses of all this. We are the perceivers. Life comes and goes. Happiness comes and goes. Sorrow comes and goes.

Now that we have read this story, let us each just sit silently and evaluate our own life. This too will pass. Think of the moments of joy and victory in our life. Think of the moment of sorrow and defeat. Are they permanent? They all come and pass away. Life just passes away. There is nothing permanent in this world. Every thing changes except the law of change. Think over it from our own perspective. We have seen all the changes, we have survived all setbacks, all defeats and all sorrows. All have passed away. The problems in the present, they too will pass away. Because nothing remains forever.

As Swami always reminds us.....

Happiness and Sorrow are the two faces of the same coin.
We are just the witnesses of these changes.
Experience it, understand it, and enjoy the present moment - live in the 'now'....
because this too shall pass!

I am wondering if I should carry on with this blog. It doesnt seem to fit its purpose anymore. Wait, there are no purposes, but hmm..

Life is pretty stressful right now. Managed to hand in 2 of assignments and I still have another 3 to go. Then comes the part of your life. The one that has to do with all the other people in your life. You try to please one party, then end up getting screwed by another. Lecturers in uni are not up to any standard at all. Just because u have a post grad degree, doesn't mean you are all too good and you can go around yelling ryt?

Hhmm.. I am wondering,, will it ever get any better. I should probably diagnose myself for depression.. haha.. Just am so glad I have a whole bunch of wonderful classmates, and friends and family who care. But then one still needs to whine n complain don't they..?? :)

BTW, the line between complaining and explaining your life is so thin, ppl always get confused with the both. does it even matter anyway??\
..

I know I haven't been updating the blog often. I seriously don't have the time. Argh I don't know. I need to increase my motivation and self discipline. I have four assignments to pass up. Let me explain.

1) Thesis proposal that we will be working on next year
current status - 1% as I have just identified the topic I might be interested in. Even then, I am not entirely sure as I cant seem to find enough back up data on the likes of this study. Tough?? yep. Tell me all about it

2) Thesis critique - To identify the mistakes in a pass year thesis and summarize it in 5 pages.
current status :-0%

3)Assessment tool review - To pick an assessment tool and explain all about it including studies on reliability, validity etc. You also need to run the test on someone and get the data on it and explain on how you calculate and measure the scores
current status - 0%

4) Task Analysis - To describe in detail how do you travel from home to class. To include in all the cues and natural consequences if those steps were not taken.
current status - 90%

Thus, so far I have only managed to complete one and even that isnt 100% done. What am I do to? I came back from class, did some research online and wanted to take a short 30 min nap but that dragged on to 2 hours!!! I am so going to fail my course... I need to buck up..

And on top of this, I am required to go back to Ipoh almost every other weekend to coach my younger sis who is sitting for SPM this year. Its not that I don't like going back or helping her out. It is just that I am at a point I dont even have time to resurface and breath and I am expected to this. When I say I have to do my assignments, I am labelled as selfish.. Tell me, is it okay to go back and coach coach my sis and fail my studies is it? huh?? argh..

i have been busy.. classes everyday n all.. no time for anything.. so stressed out that i got another cold sore.. damn.. i need to learn to apply all the relaxation techniques i learned on myself..:)) had an exam today. The questions that were asked had nothing to do with what we were told or advised on. So I am sure you will understand our frustrations. Plus, on top of that, the lecturer had the nerve of smirking through out the whole exams, just because he knew we didnt like him at all, and thought the worst of him. It is true anyway. Alright, enough of that.

I like it now, life seems ok. "I know its tough but I have to do this for our future. Me and you." Its hard of course, who ever said it wasn't. But in life we learn, through pain and happiness, its just a cycle. Wheel of life.. How Buddhist is this? I don't think I have the liberty of coming online so often anymore and writing this. I almost feel guilty doing this. Well, will try to update the blog as often as i can.. :))

Have a good Weekend..

Its been a hectic week, tiring weekend, and pleasant day. Actually not so much of the day being pleasant. It was fine. Just plain fine. My convocation was on Monday :) yep big smiles. I am officially done with my degree. I wasn't feeling excited or even deliriously happy regarding my graduation. Perhaps its because I am still studying, still lugging my bad across KL, still walking here and there and getting dark, and perhaps, because I am still going to classes, and have tonnes of assignments due!! But then, I actually started getting nervous, and had tiny-weeny butterflies in my stomach on Monday :).. Actually that was probably cause I was pissed and nervous since the Uni forgot to attach my parents' entrance pass in the bag with my robe. Had to go early and get them and it was a dreadfully hot day. Was ALREADY sweating pails by the time I entered the hall for the ceremony. Anyway, it was really fun, getting to meet up with old friends, took a lot of photos :) will post in my Facebook account.. hehe.. And when to the studio to take a couple of shots with the family..

Dad couldn't make it though and I didnt feel the need to invite so many people, mainly because I was still studying. Lets just hope I will be able to graduate this time too, haihh... Course is getting difficult, Im getting lost and blur. The mountain of assignments seem to be ever rising, and guess what?? My theses proposal is due in 2 weeks time, and I don't even have a topic yet.. arghh.. Seriously, things just dun seem to get better at all..What law was it again? Murphy's Law I think. Saying something like, if there are chances for something to go wrong, everything else will be going wrong. I don't know exactly.:)

But then again, its not like I don't like my course or I'm complaining about it, I am just a lil stressed if I will be able to handle all these assignments and workload.. I sure hope I do.. I cant afford to screw up this.. Pray for me...

argghhhh...
stupid stupid guy... I went for a haircut.. In a saloon in Sg Wang..
He chopped off my fringe... I didnt ask to look like a japanese doll..
Noooo... Its horrible, horrifyin, terrifying..

haihhhh... I have to just wait for it to grow out..

I saw this message on someone's shoutout and I think it hit home.
"Love the heart that hurts you and never hurt the heart that loves you".
I thought that if you push yourself away from the problem, or pain, it won't be able to hurt you. Little did I realise, it doesn't matter how far you try to go, it will still sneak up behind you and hurt you anyways.

So there is this person, A, who wasn't very kind to me and owes me something, and I decided that its time to ask back for it. But apparently that person then said some mean things about me just becaused I asked for it back. And started ignoring every call or message. I was upset, because I wasn't what A claimed I was. Then it dawned on me. It will be painful, it will be hurting if I allow it to hurt me.

As my lecturer Dr Alvin had always said, a problem will only be a problem if you think its a problem. Thus, hmm. if A doesn't want to give it back, no problems. I will assume and change the way i react and assume the situation. Take it as I donated all those to A. It won't change me. .


That said and done, I am glad I got into the Master's program. Its probably one of my greatest accomplishment so far. Out of 70 plus only 11 of us are in the course. That isn't why Im gloating about it. I am happy because Im actually getting to understand myself. Why I am the way I am and how I respond in relation to others, family, and friends. I can now identify what went wrong were and how I can now change somethings that I wasn't happy about...

I may not be perfect. There are are a lot of parts of me that I need to work on and change. But so what. Who's perfect?? I am happy being me. Thats why I am me!
And for you, A, you know who you are. If you think I am what you said I am, so be it. If you decide to ignore my messages and pretend I don't exist anymore, so be it. Keep it.. I forgive you anyway..

Life is liberating once you learn to step back and breathe and not bother about what others think about you.. Thats my motto now :))

When you walk on forward and not turn back,
and you are unsure of the steps and the future,
wishing you could just retreat and take a few steps back,
is it faith?
or is it blind courage?

If you turn your head backwards,
hoping to see,
glimpses of past,
wishing it will resurface,
instead you see darkness,
and potholes on the path,
looking front, its no difference,
but one is just a mirage,
another is a reflection,
Do you rely on your knowledge,
or do you surrender?

so what works where?
blind faith and courage,
surrender and knowledge,
will you ever know?
even if you try and fail,
will you ever realize,
is it something you can ever realize?

Life has been quite a roller coaster recently. Things are going way out of hand, but maybe this time i should just go with the flow.
I was very confused recently, regarding my decisions in life and a good friend told me this " to think back some day in the future, when im happy n worryless, about the choices i had to make. The 1st thing that comes to my mind will be the one which will make me happy".. I should try that out. I will, some day in the near future.

I am growing day by day. Classes are so un-class like. We have to revise every single theory and piece of knowledge that we learnt in undergrad. And to top it up, now we have to memorize all the sypmtoms and learn how to diagnose and figure out what to help and how. Its so sad that so many people don't even understand what is psychology and what a clinical psychologist does. And the worst part is the whole stigma and prejudice not only on people who have mental disorders but also children who are slow learners, or transexuals and such.

I am not perfect. I get pissed and mad with people too, especially if they test my patience. But this was plain stupid. The police arrested a whole bunch of transexuals because the had a pageant in Kelantan. And the news caster called them "Pondan" aka faggot.. Thats just stupid. Why on earth was she being biased and prejudice. Its not like they want to be like that right? Who on earth would choose to be someone like that. They are born that way and they have to make do with what they are. Who are we to label and judge people who aren't like us? We call ourselves normal but we behave in such a degrading manner. Anyone with any sort of mental problem is immediately labelled as a psycho. Any child who is a lil slow is called stupid!

Shouldn't we all realise we are nothing and no one to label others? We who are able, should accept them and care for them. Or else whats the big fat difference between us and them or us and animals?

Think.!!

monday mornings :) a cup of coffee.. some biscuits.. hmm.. perfect isn't its well i guess its all more perfect thanks to my classes which only starts at 2 :) yippie no waking up at 6 plus and taking the bus.

i am still bunking in with my sister and she doesn't have Internet connection so, unless I can hijack a wireless from the someone in the building.. tee hee.. but yeah life goes on. Its going to be the third week of class. Classes are getting tougher. I really need to buck up, and read up on every single theory and topic that we studied in undergrad. And thats really a lot. My coursemates are such darlings. All ten of us are girls, and yes not a single boy. Lecturers are real good, they really try to make you understand what the topic is about and how we can practice it.. I need to get going.. coffee is awaiting.. :)

I came back home, to Ipoh. Yeah I know! I just went last week, but commitments to family, more precisely sister dragged me home. And I'm leaving today in a couple of hours to go back to KL. haih. Tiring isn't? And tomorrow, there is a session on inner cleansing by Un. Vasu in SS3. Compulsory attendance for all Sai TY coordinators and the Nat team. Which reminds me, I still haven't completed the module we were supposed to do and pass up in May. Its absout inner peace and I am totally lost and stuck. Do I write a module on how do you get peace? Is it through love? or by controlling your senses? I don't know! haih.. Kuna akKA is so going to kill me. Well gotta run and grab some lunch..
will update soon. No internet connection is sis's place or the uni, so once I get my room I will be posting much more often.

I removed the original post.. Ask me if u want to read it. Am letting go but am not ready to think and analyze it. Maybe I dont even have to.

I miss you like how a child misses a playground
its a part of him,
the swings and the sandbox,
and he cries on rainy days,
not being able to play.
to jump around and slide,
in puddles and from trees,
You will be a part of me,
and I will always love you,
just like how i miss a candy-cane,
or like how i miss climbing trees,
i know the longing will disappear
soon there won't be sadness or pain,
i won't long for a playground anymore,
I have grown,
but you will always be a part of me,
for which child grew without a playground

i went on a movie spree.. haha.. yes i'm that free. I came down to KL for my orientation n yes my uni is in CHOW KIT. I know!! of all places Chow Kit..aduhh... That isnt a good area at all.. Picture this.. Im sitting in the monorail. Time= 8.30 am. The train is full to the core, full of corporate figures, chasing down hard earned cash and they start dispersing out one by one station. (Oh Chow kit is the 2nd last station in the monorail line). So there i am sitting, people watching and slowly the crowd thins out. And finally when i reach Chow kit, not a single corporate figure goes out with me. NIL.. The only kinda people who accompanied me out were aliens.. haha.. or immigrants.. Im not being racist or prejudice here. All i am saying is that, Chow kit is such an area. U know, the kind full of anyone but A Malaysian..

Went to an unevenful orientation. There are only 7 of us in my course, and I m pretty sure there r only like 1/2 guys.. Sad case ha.. And apparently next year, they wont be opening up masters in clinical psy because they have to review the program. Thus i think im pretty blessed to have gotten it this year. And it also seems from the 70 + who applied, 20+got an interview and we r cream of the crop here.. haha.. yes yes im being boastful.. ah.. who cares.. hehe

met a very nice coursemate, she is nice.. sweet.. will be known hereon as Ms. Directionally Challenged.. haha..No seriously, she says she is. I have yet to test her claims.. might be moving wid her though.. and my class starts soon

I WATCHED HULK (rating 2/10) and MADE OF HONOR ( rating 100/10) ahhhhh.. swoons.. mc dreamy is so so so dreamable.. he is ahh.. drools... haha.. seriously.. cuteness to the max!! im sure all you girls will agree.. please go watch the movie.. its the same old story but then, its just refreshing at the same time..great humor actually,.. Me and Darshie (my date for the day), we were laughing our heads off.. Sadly we were the only two who were laughing.. The rest them must be extremely slow not to get the jokes...

photos... ahh.. yeah. soon soon.. hehe

its been a long time since i last posted a proper post..I had a thoroughly eventful month.. I came back Ipoh last month?? Somewhere in the middle of the month, whereby I was busy preparing for my sis's wedding. Yes yes.. photos.. I never seem to find the proper time to upload.. Its not that I dont want to, but it just so happens that everytime i try to upload, my pc starts giving problems, slows down, almost as if its sulking and what not.. gosh..Pcs' r definitely from the male specimen..haha..

So yeah i will upload soon enough, once I get a proper net connection, probably after im back to kl. I am going to be staying with my sister and commuting all the way to the Uni.. Its pretty far, and I m afraid I might get a lil claustrophobic, since we r going to be sharing a room, n just a room, no hall to prance around.. no kitchen to steal food from.. oh boy.. tough life..

anyway, since its the busy time of the month, weddings almost every weekend, i Have been busy.. going here n there.. And definitely not HIBERNATING like what some people claim.. (haha its good he doenst read my blog..)

I went back to penang..my hometown.. Its hard to describe my emotions, entering penang again.. I was born in penang, but we moved to kUAntan when i was 7 then later to ipoh when i was 16. Nevertheless, we always made a yearly trip back to Penang, visiting relations n friends, and I can tell you this, You will never get bored of penang.. Sitting in the bus, looking down the window, looking at the multi-shades of the sea,, and each and every little hawker stalls, admist big tall condo's and apartments..

n so we went, stayed in the bride's house.. she wasnt there, she was in her parent's house so we had the apartment to ourselves,. They had this pre-wedding night, where it was all dance and fun, which we helped to organize. Basically organising on how to bully the groom. And the groom and the bride loooked so good together. They looked so in love, that you can't help feeling happy for them and probably praying so u get someone like that too..:)) haha..

the wedding was beautiful, the deco was awesome and yes i being me, forgot to bring along a camera.. hey i was rushing and i thought my sis would have brought but she didnt. anyway will try to get the photos from a friend and upload once i have them. Then we went to "Spotlight"'s house and had tea there and we came back home.. ahh... Penang..

now i know what was the emotion that flooded me as i stepped into penang,, it was relief, happiness, joy of just being back HOME..

a thousand apologies for the late late post..

as you guys know, my 1st sis got married last weekend..The wedding was a beautiful affair.. and Dinner was equally fun and exciting.. cant post up photos from the wedding since the camera battery died and thus have to rely on shots by the cameraman who was hired for the wedding.. so hmm where shall i begin

the couple both met online, through a mutual friend almost 5 years ago, and after some turmoil and trouble, both family accepted their love and they decided to tie the knot.. simple. haha.. the wedding was in Teluk Intan, that is a small town, along the coastal road of Perak, Malaysia.. Better known for its local version of the leaning tower. Havent seen it though.. Anyway, here is the best part.. There were no I repeat not 1 good looking fella in the wedding.. Sad i Know.. Where have they all gone too?? haha.. no biggie..

the sad thing was, the wedding seemed surreal, almost like it was some other person's wedding and not my elder sis, since my second sis, who is her twin, she couldnt watch the wedding. confused?? Right. I have two elder sisters. They are twins. The 1st twin got hitched. The second twin, due to some silly customs of the groom , wasn't allowed to watch the tying the knot (taalli) process less her marriage gets affected or she won't be able to get married and some hocus pocus of that sort... YEAH I KNOW... 21 st century and this?? haihs.. sad.. yeah but so we were sitting at the back, just watching from a far.. Not that we could see the ceremony since the whole place was pretty much crowded.. No.. I was allowed to watch and partake in the ceremony. But it felt really bad to let my sis sit all alone at the back, especially since they grew up together and did everything together and imagine not being able to be there next to your twin..

anyway.. will write more soon.. am going out with mommy.. prob to shop n a movie perhaps.. hang on.. i promise i will post up pics soon.. .. meanwhile.. this r from the ceremonies before the wedding..



aww... sweet huh//