28TH April 2009

My exact words were "There is so much to say, so many thoughts I want to pen down, but I just do not know where to start and how to begin". I wasn't too happy yesterday and after talking to my wonderful friends and sister, I got a better perspective on the situation. Just a few days after writing how I am happy with where I am right now, and how I know everything happens for a reason. I truly believe that whatever that happens beyond your control is there to make you a better person, like propelling you forward to your goal, the ultimate goal, be it to be a good person, to be saved during apocalyspe or just plain Moksha.

I got a very difficult person to work with in the coming three months. He is obnoxious, rude, and the worst part is he doesn't like to listen to what other people has to say. And when I came home I realised the swallow's nest outside my window was destroyed by the contractors who were painting and seeing these birds losing their home kind of did it for me, the straw that broke my back. I couldn't help but feel sad and depressed.

It is easy to know a knowledge, but when it comes to understanding them, it is a whole different story. Well, it is always when a ripples shake the calm surface of the sea, or lake, you realise your stand and appreciate the good times :)

And so, people tell me that I am different.
Truth be told, I am different, from whom I used to be. If you knew me back then, and if you know me now, you would probably notice it too.
No more chip on the shoulder, no more being inhibited and always afraid of what people think.
It took me time, but I learnt, that I matter, and people who thought and made me feel otherwise, just don't matter no more :)
This is what life does to you, it helps you to grow and just recently I had this epiphany. Some of us, depending on where you are in life, are like butterflies, really.
You start off as a caterpillar, just moving on with life, doing what you are supposed to do, and though you know you have better things lined up for you in the future, but you can't quite put your finger to it. And then things happen, experiences and all, it slowly stretches you. Especially events in life that you have no control over. It stretches you to a point that you just can't take it anymore, and poof, (perhaps not that magically), you change, maybe to a butterfly ( or a moth ~depends on your idea on life) or perhaps you just have a new skin. It doesn't matter really. What happens is you just become a brand new person, you feel free, and life is a whole new place to explore and grow again.

That is how I feel now. Uninhibited, free, and whole (not totally, but I am working on it :)) I tell you, it's the hair!! Having short hair does a whole lot of difference to you.

I used to care and spend a lot of time wondering what people would think of the things I do, what I wore, what I said, about everything really. Yes I had esteem issues, and why I had them isn't important anymore. The truly important thing is that now, this things, what people say and do just doesn't matter anymore. Everyone is as different as they can be, no two person is ever the same, even twins. It is a blatant truth, but it is funny how many of us float along life, just trying to mould ourselves to fit what someone else wants for you. It could be moulding yourself for your partner, your family, or the society or even for someone you like, say an artist or anyone. What happens is, in the process of moulding, you lose yourself, your true nature, your colourfulness, and end up just like any other person, unreal, and plastic, you lose yourself and the ability to love yourself. Tell me, how can you ever love anyone else, if you don't love yourself first? And loving myself is what I am doing right now.

With that said and done, I, just had the most relaxing saturday ever that a girl can have! Shopping!! I got myself 2 dresses, a work top and pants. Darshie and I shopped till we dropped. It started with lunch in Chat Masala, and we had chicken briyani (veg of course) and then we went shopping followed by coffee n the most sinful cheesy pizza in Italiannies.. (Ati risk of sounding totally gay *wink, i am saying this) Told ya, I had a great day with my favourite girl :)

The weather in KL is unbearable and I have been hearing that it is almost the same everywhere else around Malaysia.

To those idiots out there who are still in denial of global warming, and environmental destruction, time to set your facts straight. It is here, and will be here, meaner than ever. So instead of wasting your time, trying to convince people that the melting of the polar caps and emission of carbon is a natural process, try to utilize your time to help make a difference and make a change.

This is aimed at those scientist out there, and including some in M'sia who seems to think that Global warming is just a govermental hoax (Read: U.S plan to increase tax consumption on environmental products etc. Apparently, the huge effort for Earth Hour was plain useless since it didn't make a difference (what about creating awareness you dimwits?) and the increase of green house gas, is normal and this whole global warming is just a natural process that occurs every few million years...

So much for knowledge and empathy eh?

Dear Reader,

I may not know who you are, or I may. It doesn't matter that much as I owe you this much, and here is a gift just for you. A WHOLE NEW TEMPLATE:)) yay.. Isn't nice? I picked it out by myself just for you. I know I haven't been updating that often, and so today, instead of studying for my finals like how I should have been doing, I spent a whole load of time, making this blog nice for you. It doesn't hurt that I love it too.

xoxo,
The Writer

p.s: I am almost done with my first year of Masters. Can't believe I came this far, and I am happy right where I am now. Perfecto, and starting May I am going to start my practicals, seeing patients and all.:))

As I sit here, snuggled in the crook of my bed, my mind wondering, through high buildings, and low mangers, sweet smelling flowers, and desert roses, I stop to think of the reality of everything. It is a notion that has been harping on mind for quite sometime recently, and I really wonder on it's existence. How everything we see and smell and touch and hear, is here because and only because you believe in it. If you cease to believe, is that death? Or would you just cease to exist in this world of uncertainty and dreamplays? And merge into the one-ness of everything? Basically in Him.

Do you recall everyone how you were as a child? Do you remember how every colour was so vivid, how every senses where waiting in anticipation just for the moment you could be unleashed to the forbidden world of play? How the world around you stopped revolving the moment you start colouring and drawing or just playing? It was just you and only you existed at that moment.

Do you now recall a dream, a vivid one, with you, some family members perhaps,in some place you had visited before? How real it seems, to be there and cherishing everything, or to be running for your life, YOUR SAFETY, in a nightmare, only to wake up and realise it was just a dream.

My train of thoughts wanders, derailed, just floating along the night sky. I have got nothing interesting to say, nothing smart to reply.

Just that, right now, I am choosing to revel in life. To breathe, to smile, to feel, the raw nakedness of emotions and senses, just to exist, because I choose to.
Knowing this, having this knowledge is liberating by itself. I am here, because I choose to me, and I know come what may, I can handle it. It feels light, somewhat like a piece of the crytogram or puzzle is complete. I feel whole.

You may get this post, you may not. Maybe now maybe never. It matters not, for we are all the same eventually, the differences aren't that many, we are more alike than we know :)

I am frustated. So yeah this is going to be a pleasant post.
I am tired of being nice, accomodating whilst I am being embarassed and shouted at. I am tired of all the work load I have and I feel like I need some time to sort my brain out.I dislike multi-tasking, I want to revel in days that I did not have to study and work my butt off to gain some extra cash.
I need a break, I need to stay away from books, I need to stay from people who only complain and never see the good in others. I wish I can stop time. So I can sit, go for a holiday, and get everything sorted out. I want to be able to compartmentalise my brain so I can do a number of things at the same time. I basically wish I was at home with mom and dad. Yeah I would not get so much of freedom, but apparently now I know that freedom comes with a heavy pricetag.

*sigh.. I need to take a step back, and relax. But times running out. I don't know how I am going to do this.

Right now, all I want is for this dull headache to go away and to be able to fall asleep at night. Stress + insomnia is not funny at all..